Curse

Devil's Dictionary · Mar 10, 2005, 12:38 AM // 00:38

Two days ago I bought a terrific book. Richard Lederer's "More Anguished English" is a collection of funny, bizzare and ridiculous english used in school essays, newspapers, court room and more. I though I should share some of the more hysteric quotes with you all.

From student's essays
"Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor."
"In 328 B.C. Rome was invaded by the Gals."
"At the battle of Hastings the Angels and the Saxons were defeated by the Mormans."
"Joan of Arc was burn to a steak"
"Henry VIII by his own efforts increased the population of England by 40,000."
"In the middle of the eighteenth century all the morons moved to Utah."
"The death of Queen Elizabeth I ended an error."
"One horsepower is the ammount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second."
"A squid is sort of like a small jellyfish, except that it has ten to twelve testicles that hang down from his body."

From church billboards
"The Ladies Aid Society of the United Church will hold it's annual potluck dinner Saturday in the church hall. Dinner will be gin at 5:30 p.m."
"God is Still On the Throne"
"Tonight's sermon: "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice."
"During the service, Francis Bollinger, chorister, aroused the audience."
[news headlines]"Crowds Rushing to See Pope Trample 6 to Death"

Ads
"Nobody can beat our meat!"
"Why not have the kids shot for Easter or have a family portrait taken? What have you to lose?"
"FOR SALE: Bull dog. Will eat anything. Loves children."
"FOR SALE: Gent's upright urinal; also microphone, stand and amplifier."
"GIVE US YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES Ladies! If you drive by our new laundrette and drop off your clothes, you will receive very special attention!"
"AUTOMATIC BLANKET Ensure sound sleep with one of our dealers."

[...]

Uthar · Mar 10, 2005, 01:02 AM // 01:02

That's good (Seen a couple before), but there's one from the Churches missing. It has something to do with the women collecting cast-off clothing, and that... I can't remember how it goes. As soon as I find it, I'll post it here.

Devil's Dictionary · Mar 10, 2005, 03:28 AM // 03:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by Uthar

That's good (Seen a couple before), but there's one from the Churches missing. It has something to do with the women collecting cast-off clothing, and that... I can't remember how it goes. As soon as I find it, I'll post it here.

The book's nearly 200 pages. I took some my favorite quotes but I did not post entire sections

.

William of Orange · Mar 10, 2005, 03:54 AM // 03:54

That's what I love about American society today, nobody really takes pride in what they do or thinks all that much about what they say before they do it. I think if more people just put their foots in their mouths and didn't say anything, we would reduce crime, poverty, drug-use, car accidents, and the feral pet populations tenfold in the first year. Also, the ozone would be replenished, we would be able to speak to animals, and I would be able to eat as many Pop Tarts as was humanly possible...

Oh man, do I [SIZE=5]LOVE[/SIZE] Pop Tarts...

Tur713 · Mar 10, 2005, 05:07 AM // 05:07

Yes, some of the best humor comes from our own stupidity.

jaynan · Mar 12, 2005, 01:49 AM // 01:49

If you want laughs from some well meaning people check out this site (english is absolutely secondary here). You can see what everyone else does with the language:

http://www.engrish.com

Veneficus Niveus · Mar 12, 2005, 02:19 AM // 02:19

Great find. Now I'll have to check that book out.